Player Hatin’: Online Dating

I kinda like that vomitacious feeling I get from seeing annoying things on the internet. It resonates with me. So much so, in fact, that I recently found myself perusing a men’s advice site in search of some dingleberries wisdom.

Us women are difficult and we cry all the time and we need to be held and/or left alone. It’s easy to forget in all our hysteria that men need advice too. These poor men are just trying to have sex with us and they don’t want to deal with all our incessant talking and crying. And they certainly don’t want to hear about all our Pinterests, damnit.

Luckily, a gentleman recognized this problem and created a site for other men to fulfill their lifelong dream of being asshats. Through the guidance of easy to understand stock photos of large-breasted women and pig-tailed college girls, The Player Guide makes it easy for anyone looking to brush up on their skills at picking up MILF’s (they’re too insecure to be picky), approaching a woman in an elevator (ask her why she’s wearing sunglasses or what her favorite color is) or just generally improving upon their overall douchiness. The voice behind The Player Guide is, no doubt, a well meaning bro who just wants to share his tips for bringing girls home from the club. But I know that I for one, would love to hear a man’s opinion on the topic, any topic. In this case, online dating.

I don’t participate in online dating, at least not since I received an instant message on Jdate from a Nice Jewish Boy asking if I was interested in marriage (I swear that was the opening line). But enough about me. The biggest reasons I’m not into online dating is that I don’t sound good on paper/screen and I don’t want to get murdered.  TPG recognizes that some women may also feel hesitant in meeting a complete stranger and possible serial killer.  Here are some nuggets from  “10 Reasons Why Online Dating Isn’t Such A Good Idea“:

“You might find yourself chatting relentlessly to one woman only to convince her to go out with you on a real date. Sadly many of these girls never actually meet guys online and you’re only going to waste copious amounts of time chasing after them.”

Yes, sort of like in real life when we are face to face and I can more adequately gauge whether I think you might murder me or my dog, women want to talk with you to try to figure out if you’re crazy or not. They haven’t yet developed an app that helps us determine if you are a rapist or serial killer, so we must ask you a lot questions to determine your intentions.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

“Avoid girls that only have pictures of their faces, they’re usually fat. Girls that have a lot of make-up in pictures, usually have bad skin (and you will be able to tell in real life), if a girl has broad shoulders and pointy cheekbones then chances are she also has a penis.”

Unnecessary commas aside, I would have to say this is spot-on. When I take pictures I usually make it so you can only see my face and then I crop out my extra chins. This gives the illusion that I am thin and desirable, all while leaving a little something to the imagination. Often times, upon meeting me, people are so thrown off by my fat ass that they hardly notice my luminous skin. I don’t care much for fashion, and I can’t speak to the penis remark, but as far as the broad shoulders and pointy cheekbones, doesn’t that describe, like, all the models at Fashion Week?

“If you’re committed to your online dating profile then brace yourself against the gay men that are going to contact you along with the occasional cock picture, we’ve all been there.”

Watch out for those gays and their pesky cock pictures. As a woman, I just can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you going about your life, just enjoying the internet, when out of nowhere, an unwelcome cock presents itself. A gay one, at that.  Yeah, we’ve all been there.

“I think it’s very uncommon for girls to look better in real life than in their online profile pictures, especially if their[sic] using online dating sites to meet men.”

Now, I get the part about looking different from your picture (See: above mentioning of multiple chins). But I’m confused about the other implication here, the “especially  if the[y’re] using online dating sites to meet men”. I doubt TPG thought through their own implication that those who use online dating sites must not be very attractive… I’m sure he only meant it to apply towards women, fat, ugly, desperate women who use online dating sites.

If the impending doom of cock pictures and ugly, broad-shouldered heffers hasn’t scared you from online dating, The Player Guide also created a list of “10 Reasons Why Online Dating Is Still Worth Considering”:

“If you find yourself without much time on your hands but love to hit on a bunch of women, online dating provides you with this opportunity. You can hit on girls from work or anywhere else and use your free time to hit on girls in real life. Now I’m not saying to spend your whole working day hitting on girls online but with moderation you can hit on at least 10 girls within 20 minutes.”

I imagine that most men see me and think “I would love to hit on her, but I just don’t have enough time. If only I had 2 minutes to hit on her and 9 other women, certainly that would make her feel special.” Also. hitting on girls from work? Super idea. I’m sure when you get fired for sexual harassment you will have lots more “free time to hit on girls in real life”.

“This makes rejection incredibly easy, also if you hit on a bunch of women simultaneously you won’t even have time to feel bad about getting rejected because you’re already hitting on more women. That’s the beauty of the internet folks.”

Just like applying to grad school. Just keep on hitting on women until one of them finally accepts you.

Internet dating is great because it places you in close proximity to the finest thing the internet has to offer-Pinterest! Pornography. Ugh, finally, bitches who can’t talk back:

“Well, on the internet if things get boring or if she starts talking about her sexy tattoo in a very naughty place…then an easy way out to enjoyment is only a mouse click away. Just give the girl a quick “brb” go have a glorious release and get ready for round 2.

“I guarantee you doing this online while you’re in your bedroom is much easier than doing it in a crowded restaurant.”

And I guarantee you, doing this in your bedroom is a much better idea than in a crowded restaurant. Although, I imagine this would somehow be included on my yet-to-be invented “Is he a Rapist/Serial Killer?” app. Instead of looking at porn, when I am chatting online with a man and things get boring, I just google pictures of things that ladies enjoy, like babies, and then I feel ready for round 2.

TPG suggests that online dating might be a great way to make out of town connections when you travel.  “Start a fling with a bunch of girls” before you head out of town. “If you’re tight with money and loose with your morals you could even use this to hook up free accommodations”, he offers. And if that doesn’t work, there is always CouchSurfing.

But most importantly, remember that online dating is about finding the person that completes you and makes you feel special. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so quick to dismiss that Nice Jewish Boy who was so eager to know if I was interested in marriage:

“That’s why internet dating is very good if you’re lazy and can’t be bothered to go out that often because it provides you with an opportunity to get your dick wet without too much effort.”

Ohmygod, romance, finally.


8 thoughts on “Player Hatin’: Online Dating

  1. Love this post! It’s witty, intelligent, and it speaks the TRUTH. “Players,” take note…”hitting” on a girl is not a sexual conquest. If you “hit” me, I will hit you back, for real.

  2. I laughed so hard reading this there were tears blurring my vision! I must say, you are spot on. Honestly, reading this was absolutely the best part of my day. Thank you!!!!

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