Wandering Through the Desert

In an effort to decrease my chances of dying alone, I recently got the brilliant idea to set up a profile on an online dating site.  I have always been pretty turned off by the idea of online dating (check this out) because I don’t really sound that good on paper/screen and I’ve seen too many episodes of Law & Order SVU.  Also, people are totally weird, myself included.  My brother met his Boo Forever online and they made some of the cutest children ever, so I figured that creating a profile on a Jewish dating site (yeah, that one) could help me discover some of the most eligible men my Tribe has to offer.

Aside from a clever name like “2LiveJew”, “Ham&Shrimp99” or “JewWannaGoOut”, one of the first things that gets me to click on a profile is the picture of the dude, duh.  My taste is all over the board (S/O to all my tall skinny dudes with poor vision, hippie Jews and Mexi-Jews, I’m here for you and there’s a lot of me to love), but there are some general things that I think men and women should have in their profile.  At the very least, could you smile, like even a little bit in your pictures?  I know, I know, it sounds hypocritical because I fucking hate when men tell me to smile, because Sexism.  But I keep seeing these mugshots dating profiles and I just absolutely know to my core that if I ever met this guy in a well-lit public place that I would most definitely be tortured, murdered and then have my dead body dressed up for afternoon tea.  Women’s Intuition.

A picture in which you look angry, constipated and/or like you are using mental math to calculate the square root of your butthole times the power of a thousand suns is not the way to charm me, my good man. Remember, I have never met you so essentially your picture is the equivalent to us meeting for the first time.  If we met in person at a bar or more likely, a Trader Joe’s, and you came up to me looking all angry and unfriendly, but mumbling some shit about, “Oh wassup girl, I’m a Capricorn, I like sports, Mexican food and Breaking Bad, wanna make out?” I would feel confused and frightened.

What’s up with having other women in your profile picture?  Umm, if you’re trying to make me feel jealous and competitive, just know that I’m eating peanut butter straight from the jar while I judge you, so it’s not working.  I can get down with the “pic of me and my sis at her wedding” or “me with my beautiful mom” because I have ovaries and feelings, but I keep seeing these guys in the middle of drunken kiss sandwiches and I just don’t know how my people have survived such terrible hardships throughout history.

Other profile red flags for me are pictures of men drinking, men holding guns, men holding bloody meat carcasses (granted, he was a butcher, but still)  and men driving.  I’m gonna speak for the female MOT and say, pictures of you smiling, pictures of you somewhere interesting in the world and pictures of you posed with a dog or a baby are the absolute way to go. Also, if you can manage to upload a profile picture in which you are holding a dog and/or baby while posed in an interesting location AND you are smiling, come wife this up RIGHT NOW.

jim and baby

And now for your reading pleasure, I present to you some of my favorite dingleberries from ACTUAL profiles.

Favorite Books: “Catcher in the Rye, Animal Farm, The Great Gatsby.

Or in other words, “I haven’t read a book since sophomore year of English class.”  Don’t get me wrong, these are all great choices (especially Catcher in the Rye), but real talk, have you read anything since you were 16 that you were not required to write a 2 page report on? Come on, you can tell me, bro.

Favorite Book: “I read enough stuff on the internet like the news plus about a ton of emails/day.”  

An informed man is a sexy man, said someone somewhere probably.  I like this guy’s style, like maybe he gets really fascinating emails?  I do a lot of reading too buddy, Facebook statuses, text messages, road closure signs and those Terms and Conditions things you’re supposed to read and then click that you agree to them (Ok, I never read those, but I read tons of other things though).  Go find your reading list from sophomore year in high school and make something up like your friend.  I’ll never know you’re lying unless we meet, fall in love, go to trivia night and you blow the 1,000 point question about Catcher in the Rye (answer: Holden Caulfield, ya jackass).

What I’m Looking For: “Since I’m colorblind, I can’t tell the difference between red and green. I only like red Sour Patch Kids. I’m looking for a girl that will always pick out the red ones for me. And don’t try and sneak a green one in, I can taste the difference!”  

Awww.  This could be my life you guys, cuddled up on a Saturday night watching a movie with my boo and picking out red Sour Patch Kids for him.  I can only imagine how well-adjusted this 35 year old male living in Tampa, Florida is if this is what he wants from a relationship.  Not someone to laugh with and travel the world, not honesty and good communication, or a lady who appreciates the finer things in life, just SUMBISH to sort his candy for him.  I’m so glad I got a degree so I could sort your Sour Patch Kids for you.  Snuggles!

“Don’t contact me if you don’t LOVE Seinfeld.  Sorry”

No, I’m sorry.  Sorry to think about all that great neurotic humor I’m going to miss out on by not dating someone who watches Seinfeld reruns and probably (most definitely) cries during sex.

“You know you’re not perfect but closer when you’re with me, life prioritized correctly, good cell phone etiquette, good manners with a rough edge, less than 900 fb friends.”

AND HE’S NOT KIDDING ABOUT THE FACEBOOK FRIEND THING.  Sir, if these are your deal breakers, you have so, so very many problems.  Also, good cell phone etiquette?  Like, you see yourself sitting around telling your grandkids about how you met their grandmother and the thing that sealed the deal was that she silenced her ringer and said “Could you excuse me for just a moment please?” before answering her phone?!?!!?  I love me some good manners, but for the love of God, please hit yourself, you controlling, neurotic asshat.

About Me: “I live in Paramus, NJ with my parents and I’ve been working 2 jobs where I don’t make much money. Just living the American dream…not really. I’ve never been in a relationship, and I’ve never had a real connection with anyone.”  

Wow, just stop right there, are you trying to get me pregnant??

“Naturally, and consequently….if you believe that you are a Princess feel free to do not get in touch.  If you have deliberately chosen to represent yourself with photos of you with your mother, of you at a wedding or of you practicing belly dancing.. feel free to do not get in touch either..”

Although I don’t claim to be a princess, this one stung a bit because I actually do belly dance.  It’s, ya know, one of my interests and passions, something I do for fun because, oh I don’t know, I’M MY OWN PERSON WITH INTERESTS.  I don’t have any pictures of me belly dancing on my dating profile because I would break the dating site server with my sexiness and then me and the rest of the single MOT would be forced to stop watching clips of The Daily Show online, actually pretend to get some work done for a change.  I don’t even have any sexy pictures up and some of the messages I get sound as if you repeatedly slammed your circumcised penis onto the keyboard, added a winky face and hit ‘send’.

Guys, our people are way awesome.  We’ve survived pretty much all the most awful things ever, we’re funny, smart, short, self-depricating, well-educated, lactose-intolerant, I could go on.  Let’s make our ancestors proud and get it together.  I’m trying to find a nice Jewish boy who wants to be my Boo Forever and wants to make some Jewish babies with awesome hair, so HMU (no dick pics, thanks).

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3 thoughts on “Wandering Through the Desert

  1. Hilarious and on point, as usual. I love this post for so many reasons! C’mon, single Jewish dudes, where you at? You’d be lucky to conversate (not a real word, I know) with this fine human being.

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