I’m Good With Kids

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INT. HOUSE-BEDROOM-MORNING

SARI (31, dressed in yoga pants and hoodie) sits on her bed in her parents’ house working on her laptop. MIMI (4, adorable, inquisitive and occasionally evil, SARI’s niece) + KOBY (2, gentle butterball, often bullied by his older sister Mimi) rummage through their aunt’s room scavenging for treasures as she attempts to work.

MIMI

(dumping out SARI’s makeup bag on the floor)

What’s this?

SARI

That’s blush

MIMI

What’s that for?

SARI

You put it on your cheeks

MIMI

Why?

SARI

(focused on her laptop) 

Umm, so they look pretty

MIMI

Can I have some?

SARI

No

MIMI

Why?

SARI

Mimi, please put it back

MIMI

What’s this?

SARI

It’s lipstick

MIMI

Can I have some?

SARI

No

MIMI

But I really want some

(SARI goes back to work on her laptop)

KOBY

(pointing near Sari’s bed) What’s that?

SARI

(glancing up from her laptop) A humidifier

MIMI and KOBY

What’s a humidifier?

SARI

It’s a…thing that makes the air clean

MIMI

Why do you have it?

KOBY

Is it scary?

SARI

Want me to turn it on so you can see?

KOBY

I’m scared

SARI

Here, watch

(turns on humidifier, tiny puffs of mist fill the air) See? It’s not scary

MIMI

Can I touch it?

SARI

Sure, I guess so

KOBY

It’s not scary!

SARI

Nope

(MIMI and KOBY temporarily remain interested in the humidifier, SARI goes back to work on her laptop)

KOBY

What’s this?

SARI

That’s a salt lamp

MIMI and KOBY

What’s that?

SARI

It’s a…special kind of lamp

MIMI

Can I have it?

SARI

No

MIMI

Why?

KOBY

Is it scary?

SARI

Want me to turn it on so you can see?

(SARI gets up and turns on the salt lamp. MIMI and KOBY temporarily remain interested in the salt lamp. SARI goes back to work on her laptop)

KOBY

(crinkling a small piece of yellow packaging) What’s this?

(Long pause)

SARI

That’s a tampon

KOBY

What’s a tampon?

SARI

It’s a…thing that women use

MIMI

Can I have one?

SARI

Umm, when you get bigger

MIMI

Pleeeeeeeeease can I have one?

SARI

Sure

KOBY

Can I have one?

SARI

Sure, you can have one too

KOBY

(crinkling a small piece of plastic with colorful designs) What’s this?

SARI

Another tampon

KOBY

This one is prettier

(KOBY holds up the colorfully packaged tampon to show his aunt)

SARI

(looking up from her laptop, thoughtfully) Yeah, you’re right, it is prettier

MIMI

I want that one!

(MIMI grabs the tampon from her brother, he begins to cry)

SARI

Give your brother back his tampon

MIMI

But I want that one! It has pretty colors

SARI

Mimi, it’s the same thing. Give your brother back his tampon

MIMI

Noooooo, I want the one Koby has!

SARI

It’s the same as the yellow one. It just has a different wrapper. Companies do that so women get excited about buying pretty colored tampons. They’re all the same though

MIMI

No! It’s MINE!

SARI

Fine, no one gets any tampons!

KOBY

(crinkling the plastic wrapper) Is it candy?

SARI

(exasperated) No, it goes in your vagina

MIMI

(proudly) We have vaginas because we’re girls!

SARI

You’re right

MIMI

(taunting her brother in a sing-song voice) Koby doesn’t have one because he’s a boy!

KOBY

I have a penis because I’m a boy

SARI

You’re both right

(SARI goes back to working on her laptop)

THE END.

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