AZ Man Thinks Voter Suppression Is Elaborate Conspiracy to Get Him Laid


Phoenix, AZ –An awkward guy carrying a helmet believes he may have encountered his true love while waiting 3 hours to vote in the Arizona Primary yesterday.

“Out of all 60 polling places in the county, I just couldn’t believe this cute blonde was in my line,” he said beaming.

At different polling locations throughout the valley, voters waited in lines that reached into the thousands, wrapped around buildings and spilled into streets. Many Democratic voters also reported that they were listed incorrectly as Independents or Republicans when they arrived at the polls.

“The lines were ridiculous, everyone was hangry and their phones were on, like 7% battery life. It was a disaster,” the awkward guy carrying a helmet said.

People grabbed lawn chairs and blankets from their cars to use while they waited in line. Occasionally, volunteers would hand out water to the crowds so no one died of dehydration. “Once the sun went down and the wind picked up, I joked that we should call it Berning Man and that someone should bump some Bassnectar, but no one laughed,” the awkward man said. The crowds, largely made up of Conservative Republicans, were not amused by the awkward guy’s jokes.

“Trump supporters have no sense of humor” he said with a shrug.

“I also had to explain my joke about how they should call it White Tuesday, instead of Black Friday, get it?” he said with a nervous laugh, fidgeting with his helmet.

Voters across Maricopa County faced long lines after local decision-making morons agreed that 60 polling places would surely be sufficient to accommodate the 4 million voters in the county.

Although the awkward guy carrying the helmet had nearly 3 hours to work up the courage to say hi to the cute blonde girl, his nerves got the best of him.

“I feel like I could have had a chance with the cute blonde, but there were like, hundreds of people all around us. If she rejected me, I would have had to stand in line with her for the next several hours and that would have been weird, so instead I just stared at her.”

“My blood sugar was really low and I had already eaten all my snacks,” he said apologetically. “I just really didn’t plan on it taking this fucking long to vote.”

The awkward guy carrying a helmet didn’t get the cute blonde’s name, but he is hopeful that she will see his Missed Connection on Craigslist and possibly remember seeing “an awkward guy carrying a helmet” amongst the thousands of pissed off Arizonans who were waiting in line to cast their vote Tuesday.

“I feel like maybe this whole voting fiasco was the Universe’s way of bringing us together. I mean, sure, I’m mad about this voter suppression thing or whatever, but I just keep thinking ‘what if?’, ya know? If all 200 of the polling places had been open like they very well should have been, maybe I never would have seen her.”

“I’d like to take her to my polling place, stuff a vote in her ballot box and let her feel the Bern if ya know what I mean,” he attempted unsuccessfully and only partially-committed, awkwardly fidgeting with his helmet and then staring at his feet.

He is quick to add that he would not date her if she was a Trump supporter.

“You can’t fuck the racist out of someone” he said.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s