I adopted a rescue dog a few days ago. I’ve been busy adjusting to my new role as a single dog mom, but I wanted to formally introduce everyone to my new pup. And since people think most of the things I write on the internet are true, I figured I would just conduct an interview with my dog so you could get to know him better.
Sari: Hi Johnny, thanks for being here today. How are you?
Johnny: I’m good, thanks for having me.
Sari: So, why don’t you tell everyone a little bit about how we met?
Johnny: Well, you were PMSing last week, looking at sad dogs on a local rescue site. And you were like, “hey, I took care of that Trader Joe’s plant for 6 days and didn’t kill it, I must be ready to take care of a dog.” And you saw my picture
Sari: Yeah, your picture was really cute, but your story was pretty heartbreaking
Johnny: Yeah, they do that to mess with people like you. Did you see the Schnauzer named Toot whose owner died of cancer and the dog was all depressed and lonely and just looking for a place to live out the last years of its life before it died too?
Sari: A SAD DOG NAMED TOOT?? UHH thank God, no I did not see that
Johnny: Yeah, there are some really sad stories out there
Sari: No kidding. Well, why don’t you tell us about yourself?
Johnny: I’m 5, I’m a poodle and cocker spaniel mix. I don’t like cats or loud noises and someone cut my tail off when I was little
Sari: Like a vet?
Johnny: No, like a bad person
Sari: Are you fucking serious?
Johnny: Yeah, but I don’t remember it
Sari: Wow. Ok, so no tail
Johnny: Yeah, no tail and one of my back legs is kind of gimpy. I was at a shelter on a list to be euthanized because of my leg
Sari: That’s terrible! You seem to walk pretty well though
Johnny: Yeah, sometimes in the morning its a little stiff to walk on at first, but I’m doing ok
Sari: So, they got you from a shelter in California?
Johnny: Yeah, in Riverside
Sari: Oof, that place sucks
Johnny: Tell me about it
Sari: You had a family out there?
Johnny: Yeah, maybe. I dunno. You’re the one making all this up
Sari: Sorry, I’m just trying to come up with an origins story about you. I know that they rescued you from Riverside and you were gonna be put down because of your gimpy leg, but you’re good on a leash and you haven’t peed all over my place or destroyed my stuff yet, so it seems like you had a family before you came to live with me
Johnny: Yeah, maybe?
Sari: So, at the adoption, the nice lady who had been fostering you made a point to mention that you are “very well-endowed.” This struck me as a really weird thing to say about a dog, but I wondered if you wanted to comment on that
Johnny: …I mean, what would you like me to say??
Sari: I don’t know. I didn’t mean to make this awkward, I just thought it might be better to address that topic before people met you so they aren’t surprised or intimidated or whatever
Johnny: Does anyone actually read your blog?
Sari: Like 5 people. And my mom
Johnny: Oh, I met her. She’s a nice lady
Sari: Yeah, she’s pretty great. So, change the subject?
Johnny: Yeah, do you really want to be talking about your dog’s dick on the internet?
Sari: No, you’re totally right, that was weird. Sorry.
Sari: So, did you know you’re named after the guitarist Johnny Marr?
Johnny: Cool! Was he a rock star who smashed things and knocked over amps and stuff?
Johnny: Did he light his guitar on fire?
Johnny: Did he bite the heads off of bats?
Sari: No, he was the guitarist for The Smiths
Johnny: Soooo are you gonna be doing a lot of crying and having a lot of feelings?
Johnny: Do you think it’s too late for me to be euthanized?
Sari: Dude, that is some dark shit
Johnny: Hahaha, well, you wrote it
Sari: Yeah because I’m worried that every time I come up with a new song with your name in the lyrics and sing it to you you’re thinking, WHYYYYY DIDN’T THEY JUST PUT ME OUT OF MISERY THERE IN RIVERSIDE?
Johnny: Hahaha yeah, I feel like that shit is gonna get old, but I like living with you. You have lots of blankets
Sari: That’s true
Johnny: But were you singing the theme song to Degrassi: Next Generation the other day?
Sari: Oh, Whatever It Takes? Yeah, I do that sometimes to pump myself up.
Johnny: Son of a bitch
Sari: Do you have any questions for me?
Johnny: Have you ever had a dog before?
Sari: Family pets, but not on my own like this. And I’m kind of nervous
Johnny: Is that why you were crying the other day?
Sari: Yeah, I was worried that I would be a terrible dog mom to you and I felt bad leaving you home alone while I was at work the other day. And you looked really sad waiting by the door when I left and I was worried you were gonna sit there waiting for me all day. And then I started imagining what a horrible mom I’m gonna be one day and, like, what if I have kids and they don’t like me? Or what if I don’t like them? And I started to cry
Johnny: Oh Jesus Christ, are you a crazy person? Because the last people I lived with–
Sari: No, no, I’m fine. I’m just really tough on myself
Johnny: Well, that’s bullshit, you’re doing great
Sari: Thanks. Hey, where did you learn to cuss like?
Johnny: I learned it from you, Mom!
Sari: Heh, good one
Johnny: Also, I’ll remind you again that you are the fucking weirdo interviewing your dog, so you’re writing all this
Sari: That’s true. So, what do you do on the days that I have to work?
Johnny: Pretty much the same thing I do when you’re here. Sleep and fart
Sari: Yeah, you’re pretty lazy
Johnny: Oh, this coming from the person who wrote jokes on her computer all day Monday?
Sari: Yeah, I was working on a submission packet for my writing
Johnny: Are we poor?
Sari: No, I write funny things on the internet and do standup, but I have a part time job and I teach yoga too
Johnny: So…we’re poor
Sari: Why would you think that?
Johnny: Well, we don’t have a couch or a TV and you just told me that you’re a writer. Am I gonna starve?
Sari: No, we’ll be ok. I just moved in here not too long ago and haven’t gotten a couch yet
Johnny: Well, hurry the fuck up already. You’re not 23 you know
Sari: No, you’re totally right. I’ll work on it. At least my mattress isn’t on the floor anymore?
Johnny: Wow, look at you, sleeping in a bed like a grown up, so cool. You should totally brag about that on the internet
Sari: I feel like you’re mocking me?
Johnny: A little
Sari: Is there anything else you want people to know about you?
Johnny: No, I think we’ve pretty much covered everything
Sari: Am I a good dog mom so far?
Johnny: Yeah, you’re doing great. Thanks for rescuing me
Sari: Thanks for coming to live with me. Just be patient with me because I’m new at all this
Johnny: Am I doing a good job? Are you glad you rescued me?
Sari: Oh yeah, you’re awesome. I love having you around even though you snore
Johnny: Yeah. Just promise me something?
Sari: What’s that?
Johnny: That if I ever go missing, you won’t post the Lost Dog flyer on your blog?
Johnny: Because no one reads your shitty blog and they would never know I was missing
Sari: Very funny, Johnny Marr. Don’t worry, you’re microchipped