I adopted a rescue dog a few days ago. I’ve been busy adjusting to my new role as a single dog mom, but I wanted to formally introduce everyone to my new pup. And since people think most of the things I write on the internet are true, I figured I would just conduct an … More An Interview With Johnny Marr, Rescue Dog
Phoenix, AZ –An awkward guy carrying a helmet believes he may have encountered his true love while waiting 3 hours to vote in the Arizona Primary yesterday. “Out of all 60 polling places in the county, I just couldn’t believe this cute blonde was in my line,” he said beaming. At different polling locations throughout the … More AZ Man Thinks Voter Suppression Is Elaborate Conspiracy to Get Him Laid
INT. HOUSE-BEDROOM-MORNING SARI (31, dressed in yoga pants and hoodie) sits on her bed in her parents’ house working on her laptop. MIMI (4, adorable, inquisitive and occasionally evil, SARI’s niece) + KOBY (2, gentle butterball, often bullied by his older sister Mimi) rummage through their aunt’s room scavenging for treasures as she attempts to … More I’m Good With Kids
I accidentally kidnapped your dog the other night. That’s probably a fine place to start, but let me preface it by saying that I’m a really good person. I send care packages to friends, I teach yoga to cute old ladies and rarely steal things that don’t belong to me. I had been visiting a … More I Accidentally Kidnapped Your Dog
Rosh Hashanah is a time for Jews around the world to celebrate the beginning of the new year. The 10 days following Rosh Hashanah leading up to Yom Kippur are a time for reflection, for taking stock of our lives and asking forgiveness for any harm our neuroses actions may have caused our loved ones this … More High Times
What is the worst thing you’ve ever smelled? OK, I’ll go first. I remember exactly where I was when I smelled the worst smell of my entire life. January, 2006. St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana. The stench is burned so deeply into my sinus cavities, that even thinking about that day now triggers a visceral response, bringing me … More When The Levee Breaks: A True Story About Katrina
A few weeks ago, I awoke to find that someone had broken into my car. It had been a few years since my car was last broken into, so I suppose I was overdue for some petty theft and the accompanying cycle of emotions that you go through upon finding that a stranger has used … More To the Asshat That Broke Into My Car
My parents got a new couch recently and my mom asked me to put their old couch up on Craigslist. Generally, I don’t like getting involved in other people’s problems, but I agreed because that woman birthed me and didn’t murder me during my middle school years when she really should have just put me … More David and the Free Brown Couch
Six months ago, a lady from Scottsdale with lip injections and radiant skin came into my work selling laser hair removal packages from a training school for people who have always dreamed of firing off lasers at strangers’ genitals. Either she targets women with “ethnic features” or one of my nosy ass coworkers slipped her a … More Adventures in Hair Removal
In an effort to decrease my chances of dying alone, I recently got the brilliant idea to set up a profile on an online dating site. I have always been pretty turned off by the idea of online dating (check this out) because I don’t really sound that good on paper/screen and I’ve seen too … More Wandering Through the Desert
Do you enjoy talking to yourself and practicing fancy accents and/or strange noises? Do you like to spend your free time pretending you are in a fake debate telling off your asshole coworkers? Have you ever dreamed of making nachos naked? Do you wish you had more time and creative space to practice twerking without … More Why Living Alone is Awesome
TheCrassCeiling 